It's been a bad day. The kind of day where you don't want to answer your phone or see anyone because you don't want to be honest with them about just how crappy of a day it's been. It feels whiny and petulant to tell the truth, and completely false to pretend you are anything but angry and frustrated and pissed off at the world. One of those days where you realize you might be being immature, selfish, having a pity-party and most certainly un-Christlike, and yet you just can't seem to shake it. It's the anger, verging on tears kind of day.
I woke up with a great attitude. I'd planned out my day yesterday, in an attempt to be productive, to establish a routine, to tackle some of those tasks that have been sitting around waiting for my un-motivated self to get to them. And low and behold, as planned, my motivation showed up this morning! (I love it when that happens!) But by the first hour, I was already behind "schedule." Not to be bothered, I adjusted my expectations and schedule of tasks and moved forward. Jennie was fussy. She was clingy. She couldn't be pleased. Sigh. Ok - attend to my child. Guess we can add that one to the "to-do" list for the day and still count it as being productive, right? So I held her. I fed her. And when it came time for nap - I attempted, with everything I knew how, to soothe her and put her to sleep. Yet she refused to go down.
Ok. Again, adjust the expectations. Shift my schedule. Roll with the punches. Being a mom is about listening to your child, right? Evidently, she wasn't tired. We'll try again later.
We did try again later. We failed.
We tried a third time. Her stubbornness outlasted mine.
By this point it was lunch time. Ok. Scheduled has basically been screwed. Guess we'll feed the girl and try again after lunch.
We did. We failed again.
At this point I was beginning to loose it. I had a PLAN!! I had MOTIVATION!! I had things TO DO!!! And my CHILD is RUINING everything!!
That sounds terrible, doesn't it? But let's just be honest here. That's how I've kinda felt today. So dang frustrated. So angry. So discouraged. I feel like a failure.
She just would not cooperate. Not for me. She cooperates while I'm at work and she's being cared for by someone else, so why is it that I, her mother, cannot get her to adhere to her normal, everyday routine? Especially on the ONE day I actually have the motivation and drive to tackle some things around the house?
Eventually, I just held her while she screamed at me until she fell asleep. And I seethed. And when I finally put her in her crib asleep, I went out to the driveway and ran (up and down, not away).
She's still asleep. And my anger is abated. But the frustration is still there and the shame of feeling like a failure. The house is now in shambles because those projects I attempted to tackle are now all half done. It looks worse than when I began. The motivation and hopefulness with which I began the day are gone and I'm left with discouragement and just plain feeling overwhelmed with the things left to do.
And the truth is that it's a beautiful day. While I sit here and write, the seventy-five degree breeze is blowing through the open window. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. The birds are singing and someone down the road is mowing their lawn. Too bad my insides don't match.
I remember when my siblings and I were younger and we'd have those days where we were argumentative, moody, grumpy and just plain "off", my parents would often send us to our room and talk to us about praying to God to help give us a new attitude, a new heart. Then, when we'd had some time alone to pray and calm down, we'd "start over." Fresh.
Often in those times, I remember singing this as I prayed...
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from Thy presence;
Take not Thy holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation;
And renew a right spirit within me.
(from Ps. 51)
It seemed foolproof and simple then. Pray. Believe. And God cleanses you from your sin and creates a clean heart and right spirit within you. And He did.
Evidently today I need the faith of a child.
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