One of those Epic Fail Kind of Days

It's been a bad day. The kind of day where you don't want to answer your phone or see anyone because you don't want to be honest with them about just how crappy of a day it's been. It feels whiny and petulant to tell the truth, and completely false to pretend you are anything but angry and frustrated and pissed off at the world. One of those days where you realize you might be being immature, selfish, having a pity-party and most certainly un-Christlike, and yet you just can't seem to shake it. It's the anger, verging on tears kind of day. 

I woke up with a great attitude. I'd planned out my day yesterday, in an attempt to be productive, to establish a routine, to tackle some of those tasks that have been sitting around waiting for my un-motivated self to get to them. And low and behold, as planned, my motivation showed up this morning! (I love it when that happens!) But by the first hour, I was already behind "schedule." Not to be bothered, I adjusted my expectations and schedule of tasks and moved forward. Jennie was fussy. She was clingy. She couldn't be pleased. Sigh. Ok - attend to my child. Guess we can add that one to the "to-do" list for the day and still count it as being productive, right? So I held her. I fed her. And when it came time for nap - I attempted, with everything I knew how, to soothe her and put her to sleep. Yet she refused to go down. 

Ok. Again, adjust the expectations. Shift my schedule. Roll with the punches. Being a mom is about listening to your child, right? Evidently, she wasn't tired. We'll try again later.

We did try again later. We failed.

We tried a third time. Her stubbornness outlasted mine.

By this point it was lunch time. Ok. Scheduled has basically been screwed. Guess we'll feed the girl and try again after lunch. 

We did. We failed again.

At this point I was beginning to loose it. I had a PLAN!! I had MOTIVATION!! I had things TO DO!!! And my CHILD is RUINING everything!! 

That sounds terrible, doesn't it? But let's just be honest here. That's how I've kinda felt today. So dang frustrated. So angry. So discouraged. I feel like a failure. 

She just would not cooperate. Not for me. She cooperates while I'm at work and she's being cared for by someone else, so why is it that I, her mother, cannot get her to adhere to her normal, everyday routine? Especially on the ONE day I actually have the motivation and drive to tackle some things around the house?

Eventually, I just held her while she screamed at me until she fell asleep. And I seethed. And when I finally put her in her crib asleep, I went out to the driveway and ran (up and down, not away). 

She's still asleep. And my anger is abated. But the frustration is still there and the shame of feeling like a failure. The house is now in shambles because those projects I attempted to tackle are now all half done. It looks worse than when I began. The motivation and hopefulness with which I began the day are gone and I'm left with discouragement and just plain feeling overwhelmed with the things left to do. 

And the truth is that it's a beautiful day. While I sit here and write, the seventy-five degree breeze is blowing through the open window. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. The birds are singing and someone down the road is mowing their lawn. Too bad my insides don't match.

I remember when my siblings and I were younger and we'd have those days where we were argumentative, moody, grumpy and just plain "off", my parents would often send us to our room and talk to us about praying to God to help give us a new attitude, a new heart. Then, when we'd had some time alone to pray and calm down, we'd "start over." Fresh. 

Often in those times, I remember singing this as I prayed...

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

And renew a right spirit within me.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

And renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from Thy presence;

Take not Thy holy Spirit from me.

Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation;

And renew a right spirit within me.

(from Ps. 51)

It seemed foolproof and simple then. Pray. Believe. And God cleanses you from your sin and creates a clean heart and right spirit within you. And He did.

 Evidently today I need the faith of a child. 

Nashville - Take Two

On Saturday, my parents and I headed over to tour Belle Meade, one of the old plantations in Nashville. It was a gorgeous day and perfect to spend outside!

While my folks toured the old plantation house, my rambunctious (aka too loud for the tour) little rascal and I headed outside to play...

Jennie worked on their landscaping for them. The rocks, clearly needed relocating.

Then we took a stroll along the beautiful flowered path.

Just making sure you're coming, Mom!

Then we frollicked in the gorgeous expanse of land stretching out around the old home! 

She was eventually tuckered out enough for a nap...so I was able to enjoy most of my lunch in peace. :)

And of course, she was ready to chill that evening in the hotel with a little R and R (remote and all).

Sunday, we spent walking around the incredible Gaylord Opryland Hotel where my parents were staying for their convention. Let me tell you, if you've never been there, it is QUITE the experience! Mazes of indoor gardens, fountains, shops, restaurants, waterways, bridges, gazebos, even an indoor river with boat rides! It's incredible, but I guarantee you will get lost.

This was the best shot we could get with Little Miss Wiggly. Pictures with a one year old are CHALLENGING!

Sunday night I came back home. But not before quite the adventure. My parents had to go to a dinner with their conference, so Jennie and I had a bite to eat in their room, then decided to hit the road. I thought I'd take a "short cut" to the car....Turn after turn and finally I found myself in in hallways with no exit to the outside, no shops, no restaurants, just conference rooms. Eventually, I ran into a lovely older couple who escorted me back into the public part of the hotel and I managed to find my way out. We got to the car an HOUR after leaving my folks room. An HOUR! Lost inside a hotel! Now that is amazing. 

It really was a great, albeit exhausting weekend, and a wonderful way to spend our first weekend without Drew in town. 

The Next Step and Nashville Take One

My sweet man is off to Boston to run the last leg of his race towards one of his dreams - the completion of months of online classes, balancing two full time jobs with school and adjusting to life as a family of three. All while I have switched jobs, twice, and attempted to hold down the home-front.  It's been a long road, and took a tremendous amount of sacrifice, courage and discipline. I am incredibly proud of him, and very excited that the journey is nearing an end.

To kick off the time without our man around, the girl and I decided to jet off to Nashville to meet my folks for the weekend. Last night we strolled along Broadway Street downtown, listing from the sidewalk to a multitude of Nashville hopefuls perform in bar after bar, poking through shops with row after row of ornately stitched and cut cowboy boots that were more works of art than foot apparel, and finally dining at Joe's Crab Shack where we discovered the little one adores shrimp! :)

She wasn't so sure about the cowboy hat...

Could someone PLEASE tell me what this vehicle is?? I mean, I grew up in NM where we have ALL kinds of "lowriders" but this? This was new to me!

Shrimp are SO delicious!

This little girl is not normally a hand holder...melted Mama's heart!

And what could be better than waking up to snuggles in bed while watching cartoons? And holding the remote, of course?!?

SUCH a diva!  

Community

As I started this post in the midst of fighting my Sunday night blues, I was struck with my gratitude for community. We have small group on Sunday nights and being with those dear people, communing and connecting, always eases the transition from the weekend into the work week.

Life is not meant to be lived in solitude - even for those of us who can tend towards introversion. Yet when I push myself beyond my tendencies towards isolation, I am constantly amazed by how greatly encouraged I am by the insights, honesty, struggles and joys of my brothers and sisters.Hearing others share their hearts, emboldens mine. Hearing their struggles, reminds me that we are not alone. Hearing their successes, I cannot help but celebrate with them. Their strength lends me strength when I need it. Their joy becomes my joy. Their wisdom challenges my thinking. Their perspectives provide me a new point of view. And when my faith is weak, I borrow theirs.

We were meant to live as one body with many parts. And I am ever so grateful for the gifting of others into my life.