Jennie

Last New Year's Eve, I rang in the new year blessedly passed out for a few precious minutes, catching some desperately needed winks between feedings of my then four-day-old daughter. Unfortunately, I was not the picture of maternal peace and bliss you see in hallmark cards. I was a hormonal, exhausted, insomniatic, emotional, stressed mess. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle motherhood. Wasn't sure I was ever going to enjoy the process or enjoy the precious little bundle I held in my arms. I couldn't recognize this little person as the same one who I had so tenderly and joyously carried in my womb for so many months (yes - I am one of those crazy people who LOVES being pregnant). I was scared I was never going to like motherhood, scared she wasn't eating enough, scared to give her a pacifier (terrified of nipple confusion!), scared not to give her the pacifier (oh! the endless crying and nursing!), scared she would stop breathing when she slept, scared it wasn't going to get any easier and scared I was never going to sleep again.

Eventually, three weeks in - to be exact, God met me in my desperation. It was my first night home alone as my husband had returned to work (he works 24 hr. shifts as an EMT) and my mother had returned home to the West. In the middle of the night, as I held my tiny girl and poured out my heart to God, He showed up. Oh, He was there all along, but in that moment, He appeared in a way I could feel and know and see. Suddenly the angst, terror and desperation dissolved in the face of His reassurance that He was there and it was all going to be ok. Peace descended and faith sprung root in my heart and from that moment on it really has been ok. Better than ok, it has been a joy so indescribable and so much more than I ever could have hoped for or imagined. The insomnia did not abate. The showers of vomit did not lessen. The middle of the night awakenings continued to test my morality and sanity, but in the midst of it all, there was joy. And blessing beyond what I ever could have imagined.

Because when she smiles, the sleepless nights no longer matter. When she laughs, I become an addict that would kill, cheat or steal for the next hit of those giggles. When she lays her head on my chest, I cannot imagine how I could love anyone more. And when she snuggles to sleep at my breast, my heart overflows with gratitude, humbled that our Father would bless me so greatly...and I wonder that He should love me the same way I love her.

When we were pregnant, I was told to treasure the moments after she was born because they fly by all too quickly. Our sweet girl is already 1 year old. It's hard to believe she's so grown up. Walking and even running. Jabbering and expressing her opinions quite readily. She totters around, brings us books to read, giving us "loves" and kisses. It has gone way to fast. I knew it would. But what I did not know, was just how incredibly blessed I would be by each day I've spent with this incredible little girl. Thank you Lord for giving us Jennie.

The Birthday Celebration

Helping Daddy make the cupcakes for the party

The Decor...

We did give her a real cupcake - I promise.

She looks pretty pleased with the results.

Happy Birthday Jennie