One of those Epic Fail Kind of Days

It's been a bad day. The kind of day where you don't want to answer your phone or see anyone because you don't want to be honest with them about just how crappy of a day it's been. It feels whiny and petulant to tell the truth, and completely false to pretend you are anything but angry and frustrated and pissed off at the world. One of those days where you realize you might be being immature, selfish, having a pity-party and most certainly un-Christlike, and yet you just can't seem to shake it. It's the anger, verging on tears kind of day. 

I woke up with a great attitude. I'd planned out my day yesterday, in an attempt to be productive, to establish a routine, to tackle some of those tasks that have been sitting around waiting for my un-motivated self to get to them. And low and behold, as planned, my motivation showed up this morning! (I love it when that happens!) But by the first hour, I was already behind "schedule." Not to be bothered, I adjusted my expectations and schedule of tasks and moved forward. Jennie was fussy. She was clingy. She couldn't be pleased. Sigh. Ok - attend to my child. Guess we can add that one to the "to-do" list for the day and still count it as being productive, right? So I held her. I fed her. And when it came time for nap - I attempted, with everything I knew how, to soothe her and put her to sleep. Yet she refused to go down. 

Ok. Again, adjust the expectations. Shift my schedule. Roll with the punches. Being a mom is about listening to your child, right? Evidently, she wasn't tired. We'll try again later.

We did try again later. We failed.

We tried a third time. Her stubbornness outlasted mine.

By this point it was lunch time. Ok. Scheduled has basically been screwed. Guess we'll feed the girl and try again after lunch. 

We did. We failed again.

At this point I was beginning to loose it. I had a PLAN!! I had MOTIVATION!! I had things TO DO!!! And my CHILD is RUINING everything!! 

That sounds terrible, doesn't it? But let's just be honest here. That's how I've kinda felt today. So dang frustrated. So angry. So discouraged. I feel like a failure. 

She just would not cooperate. Not for me. She cooperates while I'm at work and she's being cared for by someone else, so why is it that I, her mother, cannot get her to adhere to her normal, everyday routine? Especially on the ONE day I actually have the motivation and drive to tackle some things around the house?

Eventually, I just held her while she screamed at me until she fell asleep. And I seethed. And when I finally put her in her crib asleep, I went out to the driveway and ran (up and down, not away). 

She's still asleep. And my anger is abated. But the frustration is still there and the shame of feeling like a failure. The house is now in shambles because those projects I attempted to tackle are now all half done. It looks worse than when I began. The motivation and hopefulness with which I began the day are gone and I'm left with discouragement and just plain feeling overwhelmed with the things left to do. 

And the truth is that it's a beautiful day. While I sit here and write, the seventy-five degree breeze is blowing through the open window. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. The birds are singing and someone down the road is mowing their lawn. Too bad my insides don't match.

I remember when my siblings and I were younger and we'd have those days where we were argumentative, moody, grumpy and just plain "off", my parents would often send us to our room and talk to us about praying to God to help give us a new attitude, a new heart. Then, when we'd had some time alone to pray and calm down, we'd "start over." Fresh. 

Often in those times, I remember singing this as I prayed...

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

And renew a right spirit within me.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

And renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from Thy presence;

Take not Thy holy Spirit from me.

Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation;

And renew a right spirit within me.

(from Ps. 51)

It seemed foolproof and simple then. Pray. Believe. And God cleanses you from your sin and creates a clean heart and right spirit within you. And He did.

 Evidently today I need the faith of a child. 

Nashville - Take Two

On Saturday, my parents and I headed over to tour Belle Meade, one of the old plantations in Nashville. It was a gorgeous day and perfect to spend outside!

While my folks toured the old plantation house, my rambunctious (aka too loud for the tour) little rascal and I headed outside to play...

Jennie worked on their landscaping for them. The rocks, clearly needed relocating.

Then we took a stroll along the beautiful flowered path.

Just making sure you're coming, Mom!

Then we frollicked in the gorgeous expanse of land stretching out around the old home! 

She was eventually tuckered out enough for a nap...so I was able to enjoy most of my lunch in peace. :)

And of course, she was ready to chill that evening in the hotel with a little R and R (remote and all).

Sunday, we spent walking around the incredible Gaylord Opryland Hotel where my parents were staying for their convention. Let me tell you, if you've never been there, it is QUITE the experience! Mazes of indoor gardens, fountains, shops, restaurants, waterways, bridges, gazebos, even an indoor river with boat rides! It's incredible, but I guarantee you will get lost.

This was the best shot we could get with Little Miss Wiggly. Pictures with a one year old are CHALLENGING!

Sunday night I came back home. But not before quite the adventure. My parents had to go to a dinner with their conference, so Jennie and I had a bite to eat in their room, then decided to hit the road. I thought I'd take a "short cut" to the car....Turn after turn and finally I found myself in in hallways with no exit to the outside, no shops, no restaurants, just conference rooms. Eventually, I ran into a lovely older couple who escorted me back into the public part of the hotel and I managed to find my way out. We got to the car an HOUR after leaving my folks room. An HOUR! Lost inside a hotel! Now that is amazing. 

It really was a great, albeit exhausting weekend, and a wonderful way to spend our first weekend without Drew in town. 

The Next Step and Nashville Take One

My sweet man is off to Boston to run the last leg of his race towards one of his dreams - the completion of months of online classes, balancing two full time jobs with school and adjusting to life as a family of three. All while I have switched jobs, twice, and attempted to hold down the home-front.  It's been a long road, and took a tremendous amount of sacrifice, courage and discipline. I am incredibly proud of him, and very excited that the journey is nearing an end.

To kick off the time without our man around, the girl and I decided to jet off to Nashville to meet my folks for the weekend. Last night we strolled along Broadway Street downtown, listing from the sidewalk to a multitude of Nashville hopefuls perform in bar after bar, poking through shops with row after row of ornately stitched and cut cowboy boots that were more works of art than foot apparel, and finally dining at Joe's Crab Shack where we discovered the little one adores shrimp! :)

She wasn't so sure about the cowboy hat...

Could someone PLEASE tell me what this vehicle is?? I mean, I grew up in NM where we have ALL kinds of "lowriders" but this? This was new to me!

Shrimp are SO delicious!

This little girl is not normally a hand holder...melted Mama's heart!

And what could be better than waking up to snuggles in bed while watching cartoons? And holding the remote, of course?!?

SUCH a diva!  

Community

As I started this post in the midst of fighting my Sunday night blues, I was struck with my gratitude for community. We have small group on Sunday nights and being with those dear people, communing and connecting, always eases the transition from the weekend into the work week.

Life is not meant to be lived in solitude - even for those of us who can tend towards introversion. Yet when I push myself beyond my tendencies towards isolation, I am constantly amazed by how greatly encouraged I am by the insights, honesty, struggles and joys of my brothers and sisters.Hearing others share their hearts, emboldens mine. Hearing their struggles, reminds me that we are not alone. Hearing their successes, I cannot help but celebrate with them. Their strength lends me strength when I need it. Their joy becomes my joy. Their wisdom challenges my thinking. Their perspectives provide me a new point of view. And when my faith is weak, I borrow theirs.

We were meant to live as one body with many parts. And I am ever so grateful for the gifting of others into my life.

Intentionality in the physicality

Intentional. That seems to be our theme word of 2012.. Learning to be more intentional about life, to celebrate the moment and live in the present. As I've talked about before, for me, this means ceasing to live in the past of regret or in the plans of tomorrow, but by doing what I can today.

This take a change in mindset, but also a change in our realities as well. So far this year, our family managed to take steps that direction by initiating a bi-weekly date night and being more conscientious about planning and scheduling, rather than our norm of long-term dreaming and just letting our day-to-day happen to us. Just in the last week, we seized our opportunities to carve out time to enjoy one another and create little adventures not just once, but twice! (But more on that later).

The next step for me is to challenge myself to "seize the day" physically as well. I want to be healthier, to be more fit, to be comfortable in my skin and confident my body can do whatever I need or want it to, on any occasion. I want to be an example to my daughter of health, fitness and of the way I see and relate to my body. That starts now. Not tomorrow, or next week. And my first step that direction is to challenge myself to do the 30 Day Shred (Jillian Michaels).

While I tend to stay somewhat active through running or other various exercises, routine and consistency are tremendously elusive. Running is the only form of exercise I've ever really managed to do with much regularity, but that proves quite difficult in the winter with shorter daylight hours and often wet weather (for some reason Jennie opposes being strapped down to a stroller and having dirty rainwater sprayed in her face). But with a 20 minute strength and cardio routine all rolled into one, I can't really create any excuses not to do it - so 30 Day Shred it is. 

I actually started on Friday and managed to stick with it Saturday as well, but as I've decided to take Sundays off, I almost feel like I've already quit before I've begun. But tomorrow is Monday and it'll be back to it then. With an intense work schedule as I begin my new job this week, it'll be an exceptional challenge to begin an exercise routine, but I'm determined to stick with it with the hopes that in 28 days I'll feel stronger and more toned and will have established a habit of daily exercise. We'll see how this goes! Anyone want to take the challenge with me?

Change

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)

There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)

And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

-The Byrds

To everything, there is a season - and it seems this season is one of change.


Gradually, over the last couple of weeks, it seems the weather is finally changing. Less clouds, less rain, less fog, and more glorious sunshine. It's a change I'm intensely grateful for. As the sun has come out, I'm realizing that I've also been coming out from under a dark cloud that I didn't even fully realize was there. But as the sunshine and blue skies have emerged, I've realized I'm finally feeling human again, finally feeling like myself again after months of winter blahs. Able to live, able to hope, able to enjoy. It's a good feeling. Who knew the sunshine could do so much?


I'm transitioning out of one job and into another. A good change. A needed change. One that will bring me closer to my goals and the future I feel called to. That's the big picture. 
The small one is full of messy juggling of schedules, obligations, details and feelings of guilt and anxiety as I'm tugged in many directions at once. 


My sweet husband is about to finish school and wrap up his months of online night classes (YAY!!). This has been a colossal challenge for him (and our family) and I couldn't be more proud of his commitment and effort...or more excited that it's about to conclude. 
In addition to that, he's transitioning into a new phase of work with not just one of his two jobs, but both. Major changes. More juggling of schedules, obligations and details.


My precious little girl is growing up (literally - 4 inches in 3 months!). She's in a funky in-between stage as she transitions from napping twice a day to only napping once a day. Schedules are off and it's throwing us all for a bit of a loop. 
Sleep is a big deal. Who knew?
And due to my work transition, we're moving towards weaning her from nap-time nursing. (Not the most fun I've ever had). 
Her will and opinions only grow stronger by the day and I wrestle with how to discipline a 13 month old (any brilliant suggestions?), how to reach her heart, how to guide her towards Christ? Changes.



And quite fittingly, even our home is undergoing transition as we remove it's rags and re-dress it in some much needed new siding. A welcome change indeed.

Helping Daddy work on the house

Change is hard. Even if it is change towards something better, it's hard to adjust, adapt, be flexible and let go of the ever present illusion of control that we so desperately cling to. Change shakes things up, switches up the routine, moves us out of our comfort zone and shows us just how tightly we hold on to our image of how things should go and how much we want to control them. It forces us to recognize our lives, our times are masterfully managed not by dedicated use of day planners, constant access to email and intentional planning conversations, but by our God, our Father, who is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. It is a great comfort, indeed, to be grounded to the eternal Solid Rock who never changes. 

 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Cor. 4. 16-18

A Sunny Saturday

It's been a while. And to be honest, while the project behind this blog was to learn to celebrate the magic and the mundane moments in life, recently I haven't felt much like celebrating the mundane. And that's what our days have largely consisted of lately. This past Saturday, however, was one of those sweet days...

My sweet man was off work, which meant that the three of us were able to spend the whole day together. Not only that, but we were having a rare bit of sunshine. Deciding to take advantage of it, we took the little girl to the park for her *first time.  It was chilly and windy, but it was good to get outside in the fresh air and get a bit of sunshine!


*I did take her once before, but she was tiny and slept in a sling while I talked to the other mama's, so clearly it doesn't count. Poor deprived girl.

Yes - she is that brilliant! Writing her own name, upside down, at 13 mo. old. It's my genes. :)

That evening, Drew and I embarked on our second bi-weekly date night! Our plans to try out a local place for some pizza and brews were derailed when we drove by and saw the restaurant completely empty.  On a Saturday night. Not encouraging. 


We decided to forgo those plans for something a little more popular and safe...We drove around busy downtown until we finally chose a restaurant slightly off the beaten path, but still a popular joint. In fact, it was the place we sort of* had our first date.

 *Truth is, we were actually in that pre-dating-but-really-dating-and-pretending-the-mutual-attraction-and-flirting-weren't-really-a-relationship phase...silly, silly us!

It was casual, relaxed, and just what we were in need of.

It's becoming more and more evident to me that these date-nights are really critical for us. Maybe it's having a child, or the busyness of 3.5 jobs (between the two of us) + school (him) or just the fact that we've been married a few years now, but taking the time out to be intentional about connecting has quickly become something I cherish, crave and look forward to in between. I think this might be a resolution that will stick around.